Girl in Need of a Tourniquet is a memoir by someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s a beautiful telling of what living with the disorder is like. It’s written by someone whose diagnosis comes while unaware of its existence. We then see her process of discovery and understanding. For those curious: BPD is an incredibly detrimental disorder to have. It’s also incredibly stigmatized and patients often feel unfairly treated by their mental health team.
First Impressions
Most of what makes this a worthwhile and intriguing memoir isn’t exactly the contents of the book or even what she reveals about the disorder. It also isn’t that the protagonist is all that likeable (though she is exceptionally easy to feel compassion for). A large part of its allure is the writing itself and the way the chapters are split into pieces of memory and not necessarily told in chronological order. It’s how she captures the impulsivity, pain, and confusion that she experiences and has experienced through-out her life through a poetic and memetic lens. The similes, metaphors and word choices leave me wanting more of this artful and honest story she is telling me if only so I could tongue the words in my own mouth.
Truthfully, it’s also the way the writing comes across as someone who has spent a large part of her life experiencing pain. And yet she pushes through her experiences with perfectionist pride — where success isn’t just a hopeful option, but without exception. I think the way she captures some of these core drives gives us a good snapshot of BPD. Additionally, someone with the disorder writes Girl in Need of a Tourniquet who neither is nor plans to become a therapist, which is a breath of fresh air because she does not pathologize herself, she experiences herself.
Premise and Insights
A good portion of the book is telling of relational experiences and what they can do to us as we age — childhood neglect, abuse, or sexual assault is a large part of BPD’s development. The tendency to form relationships with abusive people and feel unable to leave them is another aspect of it. The tendency to take neglect and abuse as an invitation to stay and “get a better outcome than we did in the past” is what many psychologists describe as why we, not just those with BPD, repeat harmful relational patterns.
Though, like I said, it isn’t necessarily the story or the contents that make it so wonderful. It really is the way she writes it. But, admittedly these psychological cycles she writes about intrigue me, because of my own life and how it plays out for me.
Merri invites you into her world and leaves you there. If you relate to the experience at all, it will be triggering and difficult to read through. Trigger warning of course is absolutely necessary when reading about this kind of subject matter.
One of the best parts, somewhere near the middle, is how honestly she tells of her process towards discovery. She writes about her attempts to move away from a painful partner and feeling unable to during this period. It’s upsetting for how much I personally could relate, but it’s so completely vulnerable and human, too. The ending is hopeful, though tinged with an awareness that some degree of this will likely plague her for her life.
Rating: 4/5
For more book reviews, check out the book reviews category!
If you’d like to purchase a copy of Girl in Need of a Tourniquet, click here!
